My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
