oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
