I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
