Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
