He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize