Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
