Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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