I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
