First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
