She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
