Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
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