Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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