I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize