the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
