the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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