dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize