ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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