Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think people are normalizing furries
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
