i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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