Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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