capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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