if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
