This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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