I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
