are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
