yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
