is wine microwaveable?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
