Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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