get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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