Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
