Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
