No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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