Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
