I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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