Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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