I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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