Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
