what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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