I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
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