It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
