God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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