This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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