Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
