I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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