i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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