guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
