I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
