I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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