"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
