the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
