my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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