I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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