I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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