so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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