when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
